A Time to Write?

After a nearly three month hiatus, it might be time for me to start blogging again. I hope to post at least weekly.  I think that I can manage that. Since I really have nothing terribly substantial to say right now, I will start with a funny story that a good friend told me I should post on my blog.

My friend, let’s call him Brett, recently changed firms, moving from one well known BigLaw firm to another. Today, when I visited LinkedIn, the popular social/business networking site, it suggested that I send Brett a note congratulating him on his move. So I did.  Of course, I had to give him some terribly un-politically correct ribbing about his new title of “Special” Counsel.

Moments after hitting send, I received an “out-of-office” email reply from Brett’s email address at  his former firm notifying me that “Brett is no longer with the Firm.”

Yes.  They capitalized “Firm” as if there was only one “Firm”.  Or they were trying to subtly reveal that they were the titular Firm in that John Grisham novel. Or maybe that they were a front for a shady government black ops agency.

The Joys of Dealing With the Pro Se Party – Part 2

When we last left our hero (me), I was dealing with the pro se party from hell.  It took three different conversations with both me and the ADR office just to confirm whether he would even appear at the mediation.

The only two things he made clear were that he wasn’t gonna pay me and he wanted to come strapped.  That is, for the street-impaired, carrying a pistol.

I’m not sure his question about carrying in the Courthouse was a threat, more of a practical question from a man likely used to carrying a concealed weapon. This is Georgia.  Besides, in my experience, the people that make threats are the ones least likely to actually follow through with them.  Despite this, I alerted court security (and the insurance company lawyer).

The appointed time finally arrived.   The Sheriff’s Department quite generously, cautiously, and turns out, unnecessarily, assigned quite a large, armed deputy to shadow me.

The particulars of the mediation aren’t really important except to say it didn’t last very long.  For one thing, after I handed him the court referred mediation guidelines to review and sign, he told me he was illiterate.  I had no real reason to question his veracity, but when the defense told us the amount of the medical bills for this personal injury claim, he had no trouble quickly tripling that amount in his head to come up with a damages demand [Some lawyers use that as a very loose rule of thumb in Georgia to calculate damages].

Second, he had nothing with him.  I mean nothing.  No bills, no receipts, no records, no radiology reports, no police report.  Nothing.  Just the Notice telling him when and where to be, which he apparently figured out despite telling me he was illiterate.

Finally, he was either sadly mistaken or completely untruthful as he repeatedly claimed that he had not been compensated for his property damages.  The defense had all the necessary paperwork showing that he filed a claim but was not paid because he owed about as much on the truck as it was worth.

I am always wary of dealing with the typical pro se for various reasons.  First and foremost, just about anything I say can be wrongfully interpreted as legal advice or undue influence.  Secondly, as an experienced attorney, I am distrustful of anyone who can’t find a single lawyer to take his claim. I’ve seen some very dubious claims asserted by some very dubious attorneys.  But this guy took the cake.  He a) didn’t want to mediate the case in the first place; b) steadfastly refused to pay me; c) made a not-so-veiled threat about carrying a gun into the courthouse; and d)  claimed to be unable to read and sign any documents.

Thankfully, my practice of late has avoided any pro se parties.

These Guys Give Ambulance Chasing a Bad Name.

Esquire recently posted five of the most poorly produced, highly offensive lawyer ads you’ve likely ever seen.  These are ads that make the guys on the sides of city buses look like Clarence Darrow.   One guy laments the fact that he can’t serve you the wrongdoer’s severed head on a platter.  Another insults his potential clients, their spouses, other lawyers and then makes promises that, to paraphrase Springsteen, no honest man can keep.  Another wears some Iron Man/RoboCop looking prosthetic that apparently helps him pound opposing counsel into submission.  Finally, we have the “California Switchblade” who plans to “cut up the competition.”

H/T Overlawyered

What, exactly, is a Kumbaya Singing Mediator?

Seriously?  I recently found myself telling someone that “I’m not a mediator that wants everyone to sing ‘Kumbaya’”.  Having never actually sung “Kumbaya,” I realized that I am not sure I know exactly what that means.  I simply picked up on the term from an article that Geoff cited.   I actually had to Google it.

And I learned that Kumbaya is apparently one of the most annoying and repetitive songs since “Row Row Row Your Boat”, so  I can see why you don’t want to be known as a Kumbaya Singing Mediator.  On the other hand, the annoying repetitive nature of the song might be effective at putting your parties in a suggestible trance-like state.

A Letter to Santa (after legal counsel gets involved).

I received this from a friend and fellow Georgia Tech Bar Association member, Ward Council.   Apparently, he has a rather wealthy young trustifarian client who was concerned about his “gift arrangement” with Santa.  The names have been changed to protect the naughty innocent.

Letter to Santa

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night.

Irritating Mediation Phrases

Over at DIALOGIC Mediation, Arnold Zeman has posted the 10 most irritating phrases/expressions/idioms as compiled by an Oxford University study.  At the end of the day, I personally agree with most of them.  There are also a few that I’d add.  Eh, it is what it is.

It got me thinking, though, about overused phrases, gimmicks and crutches that some mediators use when they can’t think of anything productive to say.

I’d love to hear from you.  If you are a mediator, what phrase, idiom or expression causes you to cringe when you hear a party say it?  If you are a lawyer or repeat user of mediation,  what phrase, idiom or expression makes you sigh deeply in disbelief when you hear the mediator say it?

I’ll get the ball rolling.   I have to stifle my impulse to roll my eyes when a party says, “It’s a matter of principle.”

One last thought – is it really irritating a) if your client has never heard it and b) it WORKS!?

No respect, I tell ya. NO respect.

We are a TV household.  My wife works in television and we both enjoy a wide variety of shows, including 30 Rock, the Emmy-winning TV show about the behind-the-scene action of a fake TV show.

Last night’s episode revolved around dispute resolution, in a roundabout sort of way.  I say that because much like Seinfeld, there is less of a plot than there is a “theme” to each episode.   Jenna , the co-star of the show within the show, was feuding with her co-star Tracy because Tracy refused to pay Jenna for her voice-over work on his pornographic video game.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  The Executive Producer, played by Sarah Palin Tina Fey, orders the stars to mediation.

Of course, the mediator was made out to be spineless, ineffective, poorly dressed, and transgender.

In the end, the dispute was resolved by an irritatingly peppy 12-year old whom Tina Fey believed to be Oprah because she was hopped up on “Comanapracil,” a prescription sleep mediation which warns of side effects like “dizziness, sexual nightmares and sleep crime.”

So, to recap, mediators are ineffective tools in short sleeved dress shirts and any dispute can be resolved be a peppy 12 year-old whose only qualification was middle school Vice President.

No respect, I tell ya.

A Halloween Joke

I’m tired of nightly news.  I’m tired of the election.  I’m tired of the constant barrage of misleading ads from all sides.  I’m tired of meaningless and vague rhetoric.  I’m simply tired.

So, I laughed pretty hard when this hit my inbox this morning:

A cabbie picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.  He replies: “I have a question to  ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me.  When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see  and hear just about everything.  I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says.  “Pull into the next alley.”  The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned.  I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK.  My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Happy Halloween.  Eat too much candy and have some fun tonight.

Is blogging a cry for attention?

Among the comments on the recent story of the $300k/year Harvard Law grad who burned his diploma on YouTube, was the following:

“since he is a BLOGGER, mabye he is just looking for ATTENTION.”(emphasis supplied)

I ask you, is blogging a cry of attention?  Are we bloggers simply looking for approval in the form of comments, trackbacks and link-love?

I think not.  But I may simply be deluding myself.  Now, pardon me while I post a video of me blowing up my three-piece suit, wingtips, briefcase and blackberry with an M-80 in symbolic rejection of BigLaw life.

Friday Funny – I’m thinking about a tattoo

What do y’all think?

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.